Thursday, May 13, 2010

Finding Myself Again

I am feeling absolutely wonderful and positive. I never thought I would feel this good so soon. I think the last two and half years were the most difficult years of my life. Things happen for a reason and I am looking at this as an opportunity to correct the mistakes I have made. I was crushed when I lost the babies, but now I am relieved. I look at the loss as God was watching over me and taking care of me. It was never meant to be. At the time I was going thru all the miscarriages and the troubles in my marriage I didn't understand why I couldn't have a happy life. I wanted so badly to have the happy marriage and a beautiful little baby to make everything complete. As I look back, I realize I was trying to have a baby for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't trying to have a baby for me, that's not really what I wanted. I was trying to have a baby to make him happy. All the time, I was lighting my candles and praying to God to watch over me and my family, to give him strength and to help us with our troubles. I didn't understand then, but I understand now. God was watching over me. For me a family is about unconditional love, honesty, trust and to never let down the ones you love. For him it was about the picture you paint, a pretty picture without any real meaning. We were objects instead of people. To me life is about what you accomplish and the mark you leave in life and on others. I tried so hard to make things right. I just thought if I made him happy and showed him I would do almost anything to make him happy, he would change. I realize now, no matter what I did, it would never change who he is. He would never give me the love, respect and commitment that I deserve. Maybe I just look at life differently than others. A few years back, I was given 10-15 years to live, I was given a second chance, I swore that day I would never take my life for granted or the people in my life for granted. I swore I would value and cherish every moment I had to spend with the ones I love. I don't want my children growing up in a home where there is fighting and abuse. I want my children to be able to look back on their childhood memories as happy ones. You have to value your life and the lives of people in your life and hold them near and dear in your heart. Life is short and you never know when it will be over. I don't want to be one of those people laying in their death bed regretting all the mistakes they have made in their life. I tell the people in my life, I love them any chance I get because you never know if it will be your last time. I got a little lost along the way, my life wasn't supposed to be about trying to keep him happy. I know I did everything I could to try to make him happy, but no matter what I did he would never be committed to me or our marriage. My life is supposed to be about making myself happy, my children happy and the ones who love me happy. Saying "I love you" and loving someone are two different things. Saying "I love you" are just words and without the love behind the words make them meaningless.

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