Every year in November, I dedicate the whole month of November on my Do You Really Want To Know? or the The Comfort Zone blogs to tips on bringing the love back in your relationship. This year I decided to condense it into one post, since I have been so busy with my website, I haven't had as much time as I like to dedicate to blogging.
The odds are stacked against us a married couple. The divorce rate in America is 50%, so what that boils down to is we have a 50/50 chance of getting divorced. It it is up to us as married couples to change that. We are the only ones who can change the outcome of our marriage.
The two main reasons couples get divorced are infidelity or money. Why are so many people cheating? There is a very simple answer to that question, people cheat either because, that is how they are wired or because they are not satisfied sexually or emotionally in their marriage.
We have to learn that we need to play a responsible role in our relationships. Talk to your partner, not at your partner. There is a difference in how you approach a topic with them and how they will respond to you. Your partners are not children and they should not be talked to that way. Instead of making accusations and mean comments, talk to them and tell them how the problem area makes you feel.
1. Never call them names or insult them alone or in front of others.
2. Don't discuss a problem if your angry. Walk away and calm down before you discuss a problem.
3. Don't make ultimatums you don't mean and that do not warrant the situation.
4. Talk to them, not at them.
5. Pick your battles wisely, not all battles are worth fighting.
6. Approach the situation with a resolution rather than focusing on what they are doing wrong.
7. Never go to bed angry, try to work out the problem before going to bed.
8. Always discuss the problem in private. Never air your dirty laundry in front of your children, friends,family, or a public area. There is a place and time for everything.
9. Remember, we are all humans and humans make mistakes. That is what makes us human or we would be machines.
10. Actually listen to what your partner is saying. You may figure out that you both are saying the same thing differently.
11. If you don't feel like you can get your point across to your partner, seek marriage counseling. It will do wonders for your relationship. There is no shame in seeking marriage counseling.
12. The big question. Would you rather get a divorce than to put your pride aside? Ask yourself that question, because if you don't the answer may be made for you.
The money problem can always be worked out together. You are given what you are given and there is no sense in blaming your partner for the money problem. If your partner is making bad money decisions, try making a budget together, so they can see what your financial situation is and what fits in to your budget and what doesn't fit into your budget. They may understand the problem, if they can see the big picture. But, talk to your partner as an equal and as an adult. Afterall, they are one, so treat them as one.
Infidelity is one of the biggest problems in a marriage. If you don't want your partner to look elsewhere for for physical and emotional support, then don't give them a reason to look elsewhere. Then if they do, then they are the ones at fault. Marriage and relationships are kind of like a bridge, if the bridge doesn't have the support it needs to hold weight of everything that passes over the bridge, it will collapse the same as your marriage or relationship.
When the newness of the marriage fades away, we forget the reasons we married our partner in the first place. Always celebrate your anniversary. You do not have to spend money to celebrate your anniversary. Put the children in bed, light some candles and try starting off by giving each other massages and take it from there. When women become mothers, it's like we forget how to be a woman again and men forget how to treat us like women. Before you were a mother, you were a woman. Don't forget that, it is crucial to your marriage.
Why is sex such a taboo topic once you have children? You had to have sex to create your children. Sex wasn't a chore when you first got married or was making children. Why is it a chore now or a taboo topic now? When you leave the sex behind in your marriage, you are giving your partner an open excuse to cheat on you. You can not expect someone to live without that connection with another person. Don't expect your partner to live without sex, just because they married you and expect them to remain faithful to you when you won't give in or make them intimidated to approach you sexually. Your partner should never feel neglected sexually. Sex is not taboo or dirty. Sex is how you were created and how your children were created. We would not exist as a human race if it wasn't for sex. Just because you are done having children, doesn't mean you are done having sex.
1. Stop using headaches as a reason to not have sex. Sex will actually give you relief for your headache or aches and pains. Use a headache just as a reason to have sex with your partner. You will be surprised how much sex can relieve stress.
2. If your partner isn't getting what you like in the bedroom respectfully guide them to what you do like. Try letting them know when they are doing something right, so they can figure out what you do like or try telling them something like "how about you do this baby? That really turns me on when you do that.
3. Never go more than a week without sex in your relationship. Do you really want your partner turned by someone else outside of your home?
4. Initiate sex, never leave it up to your partner to always be the one to initiate sex.
5. Buy some sexy lingerie or massage oil. Have fun with it. Lingerie can actually boost your self confidence in your appearance. Pick out lingerie that hides those parts of your body you are uncomfortable with. Lingerie is not sleazy or dirty. It was designed to make you feel like a woman and enhance your sex life.
6. Don't worry about your body. Men know women's bodies change after having children. They love you more for having their children. Believe me, they are not looking at those parts of your body. They are focusing on your breasts or your behind. Your behind always looks better bent over. Most likely their bodies have changed too since marriage and age. Men love older women. Most men with children do not want a young woman. They want a woman who is attainable and does not remind them of their children. Have you ever heard the term "MILF"? Well, it's true they want you. I know, I am not real crazy about the term either, but that is how men think.
This is a very lengthy post and I hope you have managed to stay with me to reach the end. I really dislike how so many marriages in the United States fall apart and our children are left with the broken homes and trying their best to live with their parents divorce. Marriage is one of the hardest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime. It is not the fairytale we all think it is going to be. Your success and happiness in your marriage falls in your hands and your partner's hands. You and your partner are the only ones who can control the fate of your marriage. Don't be stubborn, put your pride aside and work on your marriage. You are most likely more right for your partner than you think. Unless there is physical or mental abuse involved in your marriage, it is most likely worth saving. You fell in love with your partner for a reason, you just need to remember why and work at your marriage.
If you read back in my posts from Do You Really Want To Know? or the The Comfort Zone you will find various tips on bringing the love back in your marriage. I decided a couple of years ago to start dedicating the month of November to bringing the love back in your marriage for a couple of reasons. One, I am on my third marriage, it has taken me this long to figure out where I was going wrong. Don't let that be you. The funny thing is, I actually have two degrees in psychology and I didn't put those degrees to work in my own relationships until my third marriage started falling apart and decided to seek marriage counseling to help solve our problems. We found we were both making silly mistakes and most of our problems were not actually problems. We were not actively listening to one another and we were both saying the same thing. Second, we get so busy around the holidays trying to make it fun for our children we spend the next two months focusing on Christmas and by New Years, our relationships are drained. Third, the funny thing happened once I opened a lingerie web store, some people stopped following me and I noticed it was all women. I thought to myself "Why do some women think it is so dirty or such a taboo to sell lingerie?" Lingerie is an essential tool in getting and keeping your partner's interest.
The most important information to take from this post is to treat your partner like an adult, actively listen to what they are saying, talk to them not at them, never use name calling or insults in arguments, talk to each other about how your feeling and find a solution everyone will be happy with, and keep your partner's interest in you physically and emotionally. Most importantly, play an active role in your relationship. It takes two people to make it work. Don't put the responsibility on one person's shoulders. Give them the respect and trust they deserve.
