Funny Quotes

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain


People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
Ogden Nash


You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners


A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle


A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous


Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby


Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
Aimee Mullins

Funny Parenting Quotes

"The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable." ~ Lane Olinhouse


"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." ~ Erma Bombeck

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope." ~ Bill Cosby

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." ~ Franklin P. Jones

"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own." ~ Doug Larson.

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner." ~ Ben Bergor

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy." ~ Michelle Pfeiffer

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." ~ Bill Cosby


"Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." ~ Ed Asner

"Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes." ~ Joyce Armor

It's Wacky Wednesday. Laugh A Little

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.


Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
 
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
 
Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.




I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Ken Dodd

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

J.B. Morton

If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I stuck with the pits?


As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.

William Shakespeare

Funny Quotes

Well you don’t always need to flirt because Love will be knocking on your door one day and it will be shooting up like a missile.

Love is like a butterfly you have to let it go and if it’s really meant to be it will come back to you!!


Before you get the best, you have to have the worst.

The players may change but the game always remain the same.




Love is a tag of war it can never be fair for sure one is the winner and of course other one is the loser.

Fixing a broken heart is easy but keeping it together is whats hard.


You can rip my heart open in search for love, but all you will find, is the same darkness that is in your own.

Love is like a needle.
You don’t feel it enter, but you know its there.
You feel the pain and then it subsides.
You don’t feel it leave, but its unbearable after.

Funny Phrases Our Parents Used To Say

Do you ever find yourself saying the same things to your kids that your mother said to you as a kid? When they said them to you, you just looked at them dumbfounded thinking about what they just said, thinking "What does that mean?" Then all of a sudden when you grow up and have children, a light bulb comes on and it all begins to make sense. Now, you find the same phrases popping out of your mouth. Maybe not all of them, you're still trying to figure out what some of them mean.

1. Your getting too big for your britches.
2. Your daddy isn't a glass maker.
3. Tables were made for glasses not for asses.
4. What do think? I'm the First National Bank?
5. You kids can drive an iron man crazy?
6. If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?
7. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.
8. I hope your kids grow up to be just like you.
9. You see these grey hairs, everyone of you kids have your name on them.
10. You'll be sorry when I'm dead.
11. You kids are putting me in the mad house.
12. Because, I said so.
13. Do as I say, not as I do.
14. Life isn't always fair.
15. It takes two to tango.
16. Don't count your chickens until they've hatched.
17. You made your bed now lie in it.
18. You have two legs, get it yourself.
19. That's what God gave you legs for, now use them.
20. If you had brains you'd be dangerous.
21. Don't make me come over there.
22. If I get up, you'll be sorry.
23. Do you want me to stop this car?
24. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
25. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.
26. You kids are driving me up the wall.
27. Get a job, then you can buy what you want.
28. One day your going to eat those words.
29. You'll be sorry when your dad gets home.
30. I'm watching you.
31. I have eyes in the back of my head.
32. You see this? This is the world's smallest violin.
33. Eat your dinner, because there are children starving in Africa.
34. What? Were you born in a barn?
35. Your the milk man's baby.
36. Your crusin for a bruisin.
37. What do you think? Money grows on trees?
38. I have a bone to pick with you.
39. Never let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash.
40. I wish they made a remote for children that had a mute button.
41. Your ass sucks buttermilk too?
42. Ha, I caught you red handed.
43. Your going to put me in my grave before you grow up.
44. You must have been switched at birth, because you can't be my kid.
45. Your gonna shit and fall back in it.
46. Do you want to live to be 18?


And the list goes on.